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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Traction
Bought
Ended
Ways
Book
Way
Make
Love
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I don't get no respect
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is don't tell the butcher!
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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