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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Morning
Turns
Night
Thinking
Twice
Thinks
Yeah
Sex
Wife
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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