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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Never
Childhood
Started
Story
Father
Greedy
Mother
Breakfast
Another
Awful
Stories
Brought
Made
Worse
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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