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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Started
Story
Father
Greedy
Mother
Breakfast
Another
Awful
Stories
Brought
Made
Worse
Never
Childhood
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Rodney Dangerfield
