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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Started
Story
Father
Greedy
Mother
Breakfast
Another
Awful
Stories
Brought
Made
Worse
Never
Childhood
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
Rodney Dangerfield
