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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Never
Shots
Track
Horse
Week
Agreed
Went
Gambling
Lasts
Shot
Last
Gun
Tell
Opening
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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