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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Never
Shots
Track
Horse
Week
Agreed
Went
Gambling
Lasts
Shot
Last
Gun
Tell
Opening
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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