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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Never
Shots
Track
Horse
Week
Agreed
Went
Gambling
Lasts
Shot
Last
Gun
Tell
Opening
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Rodney Dangerfield
