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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Last
Gun
Tell
Opening
Never
Shots
Track
Horse
Week
Agreed
Went
Gambling
Lasts
Shot
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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