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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Everything
First
Thing
Married
Wife
Names
Mother
Firsts
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
Rodney Dangerfield
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
Rodney Dangerfield
Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Rodney Dangerfield
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
Rodney Dangerfield
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
