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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Thing
Married
Wife
Names
Mother
Firsts
Everything
First
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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