Quote

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Technique
Dog
Dead
Learned
Taught
Wife
Play
Sexual
Roll

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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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