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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Home
Better
Honey
Find
Seeing
Come
Lasts
Time
Last
Show
Girl
Shows

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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Rodney Dangerfield