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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wife
Hand
Hands
Lit
Cigarette
Asleep
Fell
Respect
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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