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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Lit
Cigarette
Asleep
Fell
Respect
Wife
Hand
Hands
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
Rodney Dangerfield
