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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Cigarette
Asleep
Fell
Respect
Wife
Hand
Hands
Lit
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Rodney Dangerfield
