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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Cars
Car
Lying
Women
Alike
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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