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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Always
Ruler
Rulers
Beach
Case
Prove
Cases
Take
Something
Nude
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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