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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Petite
Marked
Size
Guess
Hold
Wife
Anything
Receipt
Never
Receipts
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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