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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Hold
Wife
Anything
Receipt
Never
Receipts
Petite
Marked
Size
Guess
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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