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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Sitting
World
Hemorrhoids

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I have three kids, one of each.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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