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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
World
Hemorrhoids
Sitting

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Rodney Dangerfield
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
Rodney Dangerfield
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
Rodney Dangerfield
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Rodney Dangerfield