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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Hemorrhoids
Sitting
World

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Rodney Dangerfield
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Rodney Dangerfield
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Rodney Dangerfield
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
Rodney Dangerfield
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Rodney Dangerfield