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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Million
Married
Told
Millions
Wife
Found
Right
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
Rodney Dangerfield
