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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Watches
Watch
Hernias
Kids
Scotch
Sidewalk
Worms
Tape
Birds
Bird
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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