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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Watch
Hernias
Kids
Scotch
Sidewalk
Worms
Tape
Birds
Bird
Watches
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I don't get no respect
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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