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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Tape
Birds
Bird
Watches
Watch
Hernias
Kids
Scotch
Sidewalk
Worms
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
