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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Shot
Doctors
Shots
Gave
Told
Wife
Think
Penicillin
Thinking
Doctor
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
Rodney Dangerfield
Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
Rodney Dangerfield
