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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Used
Lessons
Front
Seat
Couldn
Drivers
Took
Seats
Humor
Failed
Four
Test
Funny
Tests
Learn
Fronts
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
Rodney Dangerfield
