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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Take
Cooked
Garbage
Humor
Told
Funny
Night

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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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