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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Boys
Present
Open
Lap
Funny
Santa
Time
Sat
Christmas
Gave
Humor
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
Rodney Dangerfield
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
Rodney Dangerfield
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
Rodney Dangerfield
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
Rodney Dangerfield
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
Rodney Dangerfield
The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
Rodney Dangerfield
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
Rodney Dangerfield
