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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Humor
Building
Started
Empire
Knew
Empires
State
Planes
Funny
Attack
Girl
Ugly
States
Took
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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