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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Started
Empire
Knew
Empires
State
Planes
Funny
Attack
Girl
Ugly
States
Took
Humor
Building
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
Rodney Dangerfield
