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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Watches
Humor
Funny
Two
Time
Wears
Fats
Girlfriend
Zone

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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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