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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Watches
Humor
Funny
Two
Time
Wears
Fats
Girlfriend
Zone
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
