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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Time
Wears
Fats
Girlfriend
Zone
Watches
Humor
Funny
Two
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Rodney Dangerfield
