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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Humor
Funny
Two
Time
Wears
Fats
Girlfriend
Zone
Watches
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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