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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Insurance
Humor
Company
Getting
Funny
Calendar
Calendars
Sends

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
Rodney Dangerfield
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
Rodney Dangerfield
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
Rodney Dangerfield
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Rodney Dangerfield
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Rodney Dangerfield