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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Sends
Insurance
Humor
Company
Getting
Funny
Calendar
Calendars

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
Rodney Dangerfield
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
Rodney Dangerfield