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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Humor
Funny
Gamblers
Two
Anon
Make
Joined
Minimum
Gave
Drink
Wouldn
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
Rodney Dangerfield
