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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Take
Sunday
Every
Push
Car
Humor
Trouble
Funny
Family
Nothing
Troubles
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield
