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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Funny
Family
Nothing
Troubles
Take
Sunday
Every
Push
Car
Humor
Trouble
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
Rodney Dangerfield
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
Rodney Dangerfield
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
Rodney Dangerfield
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
Rodney Dangerfield
