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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Lasts
Purpose
Last
Funny
Night
Eggs
Time
Sex
Humor
Wife
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
Rodney Dangerfield
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Rodney Dangerfield
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
Rodney Dangerfield
You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
Rodney Dangerfield
