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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks
Wants
Warden
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
Kids
Chairs

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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her you cooked it, you take it out.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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