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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Kids
Chairs
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks
Wants
Warden
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I can't get no respect.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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