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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Kids
Chairs
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks
Wants
Warden
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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