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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Kids
Chairs
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks
Wants
Warden
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
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