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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wants
Warden
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
Kids
Chairs
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks

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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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