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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks
Wants
Warden
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
Kids
Chairs
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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