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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Grows
Wardens
Funny
Thumb
Family
Thumbs
Kids
Chairs
Electric
Prison
Humor
Tacks
Wants
Warden
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney Dangerfield
