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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Thanked
Zoos
Returning
Ugly
Took
Kids
Men
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Rodney Dangerfield
