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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Returning
Ugly
Took
Kids
Men
Thanked
Zoos
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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