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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Ugly
Took
Kids
Men
Thanked
Zoos
Returning
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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