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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Ugly
Took
Kids
Men
Thanked
Zoos
Returning
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
Rodney Dangerfield
