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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Returning
Ugly
Took
Kids
Men
Thanked
Zoos
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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