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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Ugly
Took
Kids
Men
Thanked
Zoos
Returning
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
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my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
Rodney Dangerfield
