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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Giving
Kissing
Never
Asked
Goodnight
Wife
Cheek
Nice
Cheeks
Tell
Bent
Give
Date
Firsts
Dating
First
Kiss
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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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