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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Scale
Scales
Lovers
Rate
Asked
Wife
Good
Fractions
Lover
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
