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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wife
Lousy
Tell
Brush
Brushes
Cook
Cooks
Count
Teeth
Dinner

More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Rodney Dangerfield