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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wife
Lousy
Tell
Brush
Brushes
Cook
Cooks
Count
Teeth
Dinner
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
Rodney Dangerfield