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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Came
Willpower
Four
Eaten
Guy
Homeless
Wish
Hadn
Men
Street
Streets
Told
Days
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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